9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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