Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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