i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
