I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
