I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
