She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
