My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Never joke about your clitoris.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
