Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
