Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
a search helicopter?!
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
