i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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