i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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