I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
