I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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