Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize