nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
How's work?
Spinning.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Randomize
