I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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