I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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