Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Randomize
