there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
