I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
