There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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