I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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