Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
