I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
