I'm eating all of the evidence.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
