The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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