Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
