when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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