I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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