Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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