We're facebook friends in real life
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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