Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
