happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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