Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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