I hate your face
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
