you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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