just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Say something about gay babies.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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