4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Jerry, you need to find god
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize