I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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