How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
two words...techno handjob
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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