I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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