Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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