last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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