He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize