I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
