I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
