I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I need to align my fucking chakras
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
