I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
