Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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