hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
