I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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