She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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