I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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