I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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