Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
