you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
