Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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