Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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