Your mouth is God's brothel.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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