i think my tv is drunk
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize