I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
