i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
