he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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