you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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